I was a band wife for several years and I also performed all the jobs you write about.  My attendance at all shows from beginning to end was mandatory, I manned "the door" and occassionally had to "get rough" with a few folks (shaking in my boots the whole time).  I made sure the t-shirts were all accounted for and had to remind the band when the breaks were over.  

I sprained my ankle badly one night before the band went on and the bar manager had to take me to the ER because my husband was due on stage in 10 minutes!  Unfortunately my marriage ended (due to circumstances totally unrelated to the music biz and the band)and I had to step away from that lifestyle because it was too painful (I was constantly running into people who didn't know we had split).  I can look back on that time now and smile but it took a long time!  ROCK ON!

Try the reverse and being a "boy toy" to a female singer. I had a relationship with Kate Smith for years and it was extremely difficult. Try listening to "When The Moon Comes Over The Mountain" and "God Bless America" night after night while drunken stiffs are ogling her sensible shoes.

And you have to listen to the nasty comments like Woody Allen's saying he saw Kate in Peter Pan but the chains kept breaking.

And the girdles, support hose,and industrial size spandex that these stars have have to wear is ridiculous.  It would take us an hour just to squeeze her in her moo moo.

Quit complaing kid, the old days were tougher. But oh, so neato.  

Totally get it. My man is an amazing singer, but luckily, I snagged him AFTER he'd learned how to balance a relationship with the hoards of women that approach him after he performs. I included a link of him as my website

Band Girlfriends also are exceptional at causing other band members problems.  As they are "cheerleaders" for "their man", they get between members trying to hash out band problems and always back their mans' opinion without knowing what they are backing or even if it's right or wrong.  This tends to bolster their mans' stance and may cement his opinion, again, right or wrong.  This can serve as fuel for arguments, bad feelings or even a breakup amongst band members.

Unless she is a member, she should keep her opinions to herself when bands discuss band matters or better, not even be around.  Band Girlfriends should NOT overestimate their value though most do.  Some seem to feel that they are the voice of reason as they are objective third parties.  No, they are JUST another opinion and one that has little to do with the bands' reality and the 2 cents they inject may not only be not welcome but detrimental to the bands continued success.  I have NEVER seen a Band Girlfriend yet that has the good sense to butt out when the butting is good.  I have however seen some Band Girlfriends with great butts however and hence the dilemma.

Just my opinion.

EddieCurrents

As a former band member (bass for several bands in the early 80s) relationships were impossible to maintain.  Girlfriends never lasted because of jealousy and unrealistic expectations.  Only one in a million bands become famous and impatience can kill relationships both internal and external to the band.  Fortunately, we had many friends to perform the menial tasks just so they could get to claim "Hey, I'm with the band" but no girlfriends ever 'worked' for us.  It might have been nice to have that constant support from a girlfriend but then she would have shot me when I picked up a different floosie every night.  Oh well... you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Now at 45 years old, I can say my music is purely fun.  I have a small band that plays what we like, when we like.  We have no schedule, no groupies (except our wives and families), no expectations of fame, just fun - and it sounds better now...

I am a current band girlfriend and have found there is definitely more good than bad in living our double life. I originally was completely against the idea of dating a guy in a band.  Once I got to know him outside of the stage persona, I knew I had to give it a chance. My boyfriend and I enjoy being able to slip into our 'alter egos' for the night knowing that the next day we will be right back to our non-rockstar life  The groupies can be annoying, but it is all a part of the job.  I have learned to just let them have their moment, and relish in the fact that he is coming home with me.  The rest of the band and their wives/girlfriends are like family.  The guys are more like brothers than bandmates, and conflicts come few and far between.  I am sure it is not like that in all bands, but we really do enjoy being around each other!  I never expected to be a band girlfriend, but it has turned out to be a great experience so far with no end in sight.

When I recently bought a car and switched from my turbo Talon to a PT Cruiser, my guitarist boyfriend's first comment was "Hey! We can haul band equipment in here!" For a musician, the music obviously always comes first. I'm accustomed to being third in line, after his daughter and his music. And I'm okay with that.

Being a band girlfriend comes with perks-- the hottness up on stage belongs to us, we're allowed where the groupie/fans aren't, and once in a great while, we get the incomparable rush that comes from hearing a lyric that we know was written about is. But it does come with the downsides noted above. On top of that, like EddieCurrents mentioned, the other band members can resent us for giving unsolicited opinions, demanding that our boyfriend spend an evening with us instead of wired into his amp, or simply distracting their comrade. It's really NOT our job to tell the band how to run things. If I don't like what the band's up to, I don't have to help. It's as simple as that. But I can't tell them they have to change things until I'm actually a member.

(On a related note, I hate being called a groupie more than I can possibly put into words. I don't sleep with my man *because* he's a musician-- I love him *despite* it. ...That's mostly a joke.)

But we go beyond "putting up with it"-- we work hard to help our guys with their music, because that's part of what drew us to them. Any girl with any amount of sense who dates a band member should know from the start that she's going to share her man with a lot of people, including strangers and wannabe-groupies. But in the end, after all the groupies, snarky bandmates, cigarette-stenched clothes and hair, and late nights hauling heavy equipment, we still get to go to sleep with a man we love enough to follow about.

Frankly, girls, if you love him, carry his guitar. He'll be more willing to carry your purse in the mall later.

Its a double edged sword. Don't believe me? I've got two words for you:
Yoko Ono

As a professional singer and musician, I can tell you it's almost better to NOT have a band girlfriend. The relationships I've had - no matter how robust our love is, and how faithful I am - always fall into the same three-step trap: 1) You're in a band! (giggle) That's great! (Texts her friends to come see the band and cheer us on) 2) Um, do you have to play with the band EVERY weekend? 3) It's me or the band.

I am a band manager who after the fact became a band girlfriend.  I have seen the good and the bad that come with band girlfriends, but ladies, the thing to remember is that unless you can accept never being number one in his life, you're in the wrong relationship.  I wouldn't trade my band or my boyfriend, but it is hard to balance both, because as the guy before me so aptly stated, the girlfriends' opinions really have no place in band business.  They often have a one-sided view of the band, and often no real music business training.  Luckily I managed his band before we started seeing each other personally, but it's a very fine balancing act.

I saw all my friends' relationships fall apart or crash and burn(hey, it's rock and roll) and bailed out when I fell in love. I still have the girl 30-odd years later while my friends are old, fat, and lonely(hey, that would be a good name for a rock band?).

I am a Band wife...I have two children from a previous marriage and we are expecting our third together. I have to say that those girls who interject in the bands' business should probably keep their mouths shut. You are his woman and really have no place giving your opinion. The band is thiers, not yours. However, I can say that being the wife of a band member is not easy. They are gone a lot mine plays in three bands), they have to put things before you sometimes and that hurts and the partying that goes on is not suitable for a family..if any of you have a family. But you can make it work, he just needs  find a good balance and you need to be trusting. He comes home to you right? thats all that really matters in the end.

Cal Rogers for President!

I got around this whole snag, I found a woman that plays a mean bass...now me and her do shows together in various projects.  Engaged as of July 3rd!!

When I was 18 I was a band girlfriend for the bassist of a local Baton Rouge band.  I was friends with every member EXCEPT the lead singer who apparently saw me as a threat to his job simply because I sang.  I never asked to sing with them nor did I want to.  I helped them every weekend set up and dismantle only to hear how awful a person I was by that singer each time I carried out amps, mic stands, cords etc.  The other members of the band took up for me, I married the bassist (unfortunately turned out to be both physically & verbally abusive) and left after less than a year. The band broke up before we married due to the lead singer thinking he was God.

I've never forced my wife to come to any of our shows because she doesn't like my band.  But she knows I enjoy playing with them.  Hard rock just ain't her thing.  In the 8 years we've been married, she's only seen me play 4 times.  Not all musicians force their wives/girlfriends into slavery.  She has her own life as well and I'm proud of the fact that she doesn't feel the need to tag along every time I'm out playing a gig.  

I don't know, I was a band girlfriend for years and years, as I seemd to only date guys who were in bands. Some of my girlfriends didn't really get it, and it wasn't easy to explain, but there's something really hot about the fact that all those girls are "ogling my man" but I know that I'm the one going home with him. It was always more impowering than sucky to me. And the night of the show was awesome when we got home. :)

Bitter much? What a terrible essay and what a whiner! You've been a band girlfriend for seven years? Curious you're not a wife by now. Those girls that ogle your boyfriend are just newer, younger versions of YOU. An L.A. native, I've been on the Hollywood music scene for two decades and you, dear, are a dime a dozen.

LOL! Hooray Lora! Well put and in my opinion, the definitive word on the matter.

I've been married to a pretty well-known musician for 7 years. We were together for 4 years prior to marrying.  He has played in mega bands and with pretty big-name artists.  

I have one bit of advice for "band girlfriend" and that is, if you want your relationship to succeed, you have to get YOUR OWN LIFE.  Though I support my husband's shows when I can (He spends much of the year on the road, so I only get out to shows that are local) I have my own job and my own friends and my own interests.  That is what attracted him to me.  I think most guys in bands will agree that it's much more appealing to have a woman who has a life of her own, than someone who spends 24/7 swooning over her boyfriend, selling his CDs at shows, updating his website, and booking gigs for him.  

Being a band wife or girlfriend is not as glossy and glamorous as it looks.  Just ask Valerie Bertinelli.  Read her book and you'll catch a glimpse of what it was like for a FAMOUS actress to be married to a rock star.  Even she had a tough time of it.  It's long stretches away from the person you love. If you have children, it's even tougher (we don't, but have friends who do).  Sure, the perks are great.  Because of bands my husband has worked with, and musicians he has played with,I've met some incredible people I would have NEVER met otherwise.  Big names (which I won't print here to protect my anonymity). But musicians are a moody bunch (how do you think they write all of those great songs???).  And those mood swings trickle down to you.  Heaven forbid should they not work for a couple of months.  Egos are bruised, and it can get really ugly.

Anyway, my advice again is to be your own person.  It's the only way your relationship will succeed.  Clingy isn't attractive, and it will only hasten the breakup.  I've see it too many times.

 

As a musician with a Band wife, I perfer my wife stay
at home and come to an occsional gig. Every time I bring her we end up in discussions about bills or something that she did at work minutes before the show. Makes it extremely difficult to prepare mentally. And everyone hates a YOKO. don't get me wrong, I love my wife and love hanging out with her and doing things together. But music time is my time to be shared with the musicians i am playing with. The end product, the music can be shared with everyone

My Lead Singer/Bass Playing husband and I have been together for 38 years.  I have backed him on all of his bands and projects, even in ones that had musicians in it that I did not like.  The lifestyle can be hard on your marriage, health and finances if you don't keep your head on straight.  Like any marriage it takes work.  But If you really love each other you can have a happy satisfying life together.

Getting along with the other band wives/girlfriends can be very hard sometimes.  Especially with the ones that are with their man for all of the wrong reasons.
The ones that go out of their way to snag that musician and then spend all of thier time and effort tearing him and his band apart irritate the hell out of me.  I also don't want to play mind games with my husband or his band, start fights at gigs, flirt with other guys to make him jealous, etc. etc. If you don't like it then get out and leave the rest of us in peace!

Over the years we have had so many experiences both good and bad due to his job but I would never give him up over even the worse times.  Yes I have carried
tons of equipment, driven people and equipment to gigs, made countless phone calls, sent hundreds of letters, made numerous posters, collected too many doors, yelled at too many drunks and idiots. And yes, put up with thousands of groupies (they pay the bills).

It comes with the territory.  And I would not change any of my experiences or my husband for the world. I love him, the man he is and have since we were in high school.  What he does for a living is just part of what he is, at home is just Ray.  On stage he is an entertainer and he does his job very very well.

I have to agree with Joe in Melbourne...I play in a band, and am in my 40's...as a teen I was roadie/manager/engineer for my friends band and I saw the problems that band girlfriends cause first hand.  Especially when the stepped over the line and interferred in "band business".  One story I will relate: we got paid for a gig, there were 5 of us.  So per our verbal agreement, we took 50% and put it towards new gear and split the rest.  His girlfriend decided that since he was the lead singer, he should ge twice what we got and started filling his head with delusion of granduer...it got to a point where we told him "her or us" and he chose her.  That was pretty much the end of the band.

Now that I'm in a band that plays when it feels like, it's totally different.  My wife knows that I love to play in front of an audience, and she and my teen age daughter are usually in the front row (this summer, my daughter is going to play a couple of dates with us...she plays alto sax and acoustic guitar)...and she, and the other wives', know when to stay out of "band business"...I guess that just comes with age.

If you are having to do all those jobs, my dear, uhhhh, the guy you think you are with and the band he's in, sucks.  Period.  Move on, grow up, and find yourself a man who isn't playing out a childhood fantasy and dragging you down at the same time.  

As a former band girlfriend and now a band wife, I can't go to shows like I used to.  For one because I don't want to make myself into a Yoko and two, because I have a child now.  I stay out of band business and dread the tours.

None of the other guys have wives or children so I don't really fit now.  Plus I don't want to see the girls flirting with my husband.  I'm not jealous, it's just that the type of girls who frequent death metal shows are, for lack of a better phrase, "one of a kind".  I'd just be laughing because I know what my husband really thinks of them.

I've been a band girlfriend, and a band wife...All I can say now is that it's much better to be a mistress....

I'm a band girlfriend. I drive people and equipment to gigs.  I sell tickets.  I sell merch.  My opinions are sought out by the other guys in the band because they respect me and my thoughts have value.  However, they are only given when asked.  This hasn't always been the case.  As with all walks of life, you meet all types of people.  Musicians are fickle, egotistical, brilliant, creative souls.  Many have vices and habits that affect both their logical and creative thinking - something to be taken into consideration when bickering starts.  Guys in bands are brothers... and fight like brothers!  Best to stay out of it.  I've seen many girlfriends cause outrageous troubles.  There are a lot of bands that have a strict "no girlfriends at practice" policy, due to some past experience with someone's woman giving grief.  This is the time where they go to play and get away from family drama.  It is never a venue to vent personal issues.  We know this guy who always came to practice all flustered because he always had some big argument with his girl just before practice.   He would be an emotional wreck and couldn't play for the first 45 mins or so.  She was not allowed at practice, but I was... something she obviously resented, but logical reasoning dictates no drama queens allowed.  The poor guy had to choose between his girl and his band.  A true musician will always choose music over romance.  To think otherwise is folly.  If he hadn't, they would most likely given him the boot (to get rid of them both)!  Band girlfriends - know your place and work within it.  Politician's wives give their opinions to their husbands in private, and so do band girlfriends.  We have influence, whether present or not.  We're not all Yoko Ono's, though!  At rehearsal and at gigs, I've met all types of band girlfriends:  the vapid arm-charm with no brains (common), the "band mom" and the "merch mother" (both are usually self-appointed), the domineering, over-pretentious "booking agent" or "band manager" types (unless nominated by band concensus - this NEVER works), the gossip girls who stand around and talk crap about everyone they've ever met in their lives, the brainless floozies who thankfully have very little to say and are there solely to look pretty for their man (also common), the roadie girls (indentured slaves!) who are expected to either help out or get out, and the most annoying type of all - the cheerleaders.  There are certain expectations when one is a band girlfriend, but in my experience, none are unrealistic.  Dress the part, act the part, and do your part - whatever part they want you to have.  Your man will be happy, his band will be happy, and hopefully, so will you!

After a month of dating my now husband, I was able to put a full set of drums together and take them apart, set up and test mikes, amps etc. I also had to keep my mouth shut when I realized band members were messing around on their significant others and when I felt my good natured boyfriend was getting taken advantage of by bandmates. He was often used as the cheating bandmates "alibi" and ended up doing more of the manual labor because the other guys had been partying all night or running around with young ladies. There was a lot of fun also, but after several years, the band broke up and all but one have moved on to other careers.  I look back fondly at those times now, but if I had not been so young and immature at the time I wouldn't have stuck around. I did stay and have been married to him for almost 25 years.

I have to tell you, I'm a band wife.  I have been told I'm one of the odd one's.  Many times my husband has been approached by groupies, and I just sit back and relax.  I learned one lesson, whether your with the band or not, your husband/boyfriend will do what he wants whether your there or not.  I have watched many relationships go down the tubes, especially friendships I have had, due to inappropriate interactions, but it is what it is and if it was so important to me or the other party, it would have never happend.  So, all I say is, take as much as you can within reason, express your feelings only to your significant other, nobody else matters.  It is between you and them, and that is it. Remember, no matter whether your with the band or not, you deserve to be treated the way you would treat others.  Love is great, being in love is great, being hurt by an action, isn't so great.  I've been around for more then 15 years and my marriage is still going strong, don't get me wrong, as any couple has, there are rough patches.  I will honestly say, I can't imagine a day without my husband, no matter what happens, I'm in it for the long haul.  

I have a Band wife... She always shows up and does whatever we need... She takes photos and does the video recording keeps track of people. Watches the gear... even helps carry it due to some rather lazy band members. She is the greatest member of the band and the most underappreciated member of the band. She is super supportive and always helpfull. She even sent me this link.

Cheers to Cherie Hammond...

I laughed at this article. I was a band wife and it was really really boring! It was fun at first but it didn't take long for it to be a pain. Late nights and no time together because during breaks they are schmoozing with the fans. The only good thing for me was that I usually was comped on food and drinks!  I gradually quit going to the concerts unless it was one I really was interested in or unless he really REALLY wanted me there. We kind of compromised on it, I guess. But I support his desire/need to be in the band as long as he wants.  

Music is a passion, for those willing to put the time and effort into writing songs, rehearsing, booking shows, making albums, and traveling wherever to perform. If you want a passionate relationship/partnership/marriage, you should be prepared to support (if not share) your partner's passions in some way.

It's not out of the question, however, to ask your partner to support you in some of *your* passions as well. If you are one of their passions, they'll figure out how to make the time somehow. If not...well, there's probably someone else out there who *will*.

That said...it *is* easy to get sucked into the whole narcissistic musician thing, especially when you're young.

If you think being a girlfriend/boyfriend is hard.. try being a band CHILD. My mom is in a band and has been for as long as I can remember. I also remember the numerous amounts of babysitters I had as a child though. She was never home on weekends because she was playing in the band and weekdays were hectic with her regular job (RN) and school functions. My mom is an amazing singer and I appreciate it a lot more now that I am not a little kid anymore, but at the time, I never understood why she was never home with me.

Oh my Gosh I can't believe that there are other women who dislike the fact that their significant other is in a band. I met my boyfriend while he was playing music, but we didn't start dating until after he quit the first time. He has a very hectic "real job" which requires extensive travel. Then, he comes home on the weekends and is at "gigs" until 4AM. I hate it, more than anything in the world. I hate the smoke, the drunks, the loud music, the trashy places where they play, having to be at a gig every holiday, etc. He claims that he doesn't do it for the money, but they just keep booking more and more crappy gigs. His band-mates hate me because I hate the band. There isn't one weekend where  we can see family or get away. There isn't one Saturday night where we can go to dinner and a movie. It's the ONLY thing we fight about and he swears that he will quit when we have children...I'm counting the days....

Interesting but I have to disagree with the basis of the article: dating a band member never EVER makes you a part of the band.  I've been a band girlfriend plenty of times and always knew my "place", so to speak.  Each band fella (and his friends) would always compliment me on what a great band girlfriend I was.  Why? Because I didn't force myself into a system that was working just fine before my arrival.  I just sat back and enjoyed the show.

These were my personal lessons:

- always attend the shows, unless you're dead or someone you know is dead and you're at the funeral.  If you're out of town, call in your attendance.

- never move the gear because chances are it'll be heavier than you are. Plus, if you drop it on accident, you're in trouble. Being in a band means moving you're own gear. Unless you're playing the tamborine, you're NOT a band member.

- only participate if and when asked and even then, treat it like it's a UN peace-keeping mission.  If you're asked your opinion, be positive and constructive (i.e. "how'd we sound tonight?" "well, the sound guy had the vocals too low, but the rest was great."). If there's an argument, whatever you do, don't pick a side. Be Switzerland.  If asked to do something helpful that isn't moving gear (i.e. merch), be nice and help out.

I will say there are exceptions to every rule; emergencies usually prevail. I did move gear once, but it was an out-of-town show that we arrived to 30 minutes late due to exploding van tires.  Basically, though, if you keep your nose in your own business and not the band's, everyone tends to walk away still content with each other.

The article definitely got one thing right: annoying fan girls.  Every band guy is different in his method of dealing with girls like those, but yup, band girlfriends just have to "grin and bear it", like the article said.  If a girl is ever fortunate enough to have band boyfriends like the ones I had, then she'll know she has nothing to worry about.  My guys were always more annoyed (rather than flattered) that the fan girls were more interested in their asses than their music. They liked the girlfriend (me) because she appreciated the whole package.

I'm in a rock band, and my girlfriend (whom I met at my hotel before a show) and I are doing great.  We never have problems because of my band schedule.  She offers good advice directly to me, and if I feel I should, I disseminate it to the rest of the band.  She is supportive, friendly and really helpful.  She doesn't come to all of our shows, we're out of town a lot, but she comes when she can.  She had never been with a musician before, and she is pretty conservative.  I think that helps because it brings balance to our relationship.  If she was a party-animal, it'd be hard to have two people like that together.  She brings me in, I bring her out.  It's cool.

Sorry girls and even guys, but if you're dating someone who is in a reasonably successful band, your man (or woman) is going to sleep around while on tour. I don't care how you sugarcoat it, because once he or she is out on the road, and you're home, you gotta let go and put on a brave smile. That isn't the case if you travel with him, or if all the band is stuck doing local gigs. Life on tour is a grind, and sex with groupies is just part of unwinding.

Band members require more: support, understanding, patience, praise, SLEEEP, time away, love, excitment, recognition etc. etc.
All of which I personally try to give. Being a band wife is not an easy road to travel (especially w/ kids in tow.) All's I want in return is one weekend away once a year. After trying to provide all of the above, is one weekend away too much to ask for? I know I'll never be his "one true love" (the band) (and I can deal with the blow to my ego.)So, how about the band members offer a little support & understanding as well. Think about it.

I've been dating the lead singer of a local metal band for about a year and a half.  I guess I'm pretty lucky because it doesn't bother me when women in the audience act like fools and try to get with him.  I just look at it as a compliment that this incredibly hot man chose me over all of them. Then again, we're gay so the girls aren't much of a temptation to him and considering there are relatively few gay metalheads I never run into a problem with boys.

Watch the movies "Almost Famous" and "Rock Star". Then, run the other way ladies. Being a musician, especially one who wants fame and fortune, brings with it narcissistic tendencies and an entitled sense of self. There could not be any recompence worth being in a relationship with such dysfunctional personalities. And, women who seek out these types of men, must have extremely low self-esteem and issues with self worth.  What educated, self-confident, independent woman would settle for being less than equal in her partner's eyes, or for being around such unsavory characters who cheat, lie, and debauch on a regular basis?  I question the mental health of both parties in such a match. Really, would you want your daughter, sister, mother, aunt, cousin or best friend anywhere near the values, morals, and mindset of these people?  I think not.  

I've been a music journalist, band girlfriend, singer in a band, and music promoter. I love music and I've always been surrounded my musicians. As a band girlfriend of a lead singer I took the equipment in the trunk of my car to rehearsals and shows, I drove the band to interviews, and I didn't just do this because of my then boyfriend. I believed in the band and I helped out as much as I could. But I know the band suffered more than one fight between us and I know some things should be kept private and separate. After that experience I didn't want to get involved with a musician again. I think it all comes down to expectations. If you expect your boyfriend or husband to be around on a regular basis, look for someone else other than a musician. Never come between him and the band, I know stories of people who have gone to extremes trying to sabotage the band. I am now married to someone else who I met while promoting a show and he was touring as a roadie. It's not the same but there's a lot of touring as well. I realized I couldn't deal with all the time apart so before tying the knot I had to say I would not want him to be in a band again, not in a serious touring band at least. He made the choice to stay with me but we have friends who are ok with their partners going on tour. It's all about knowing yourself and what you are willing to give in the relationship.

THIS IS TO CAL:  If your message is truthful, why did you stay with Kate Smith?  The people who read this blog probably have no idea who she was or that she was obese.  I am so glad you are getting this off your chest but hope you never told Kate.  She was a little before my time (I am 66) but I remember seeing her on my grandma's black and white TV in the 1950's.

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